October

A new mindset.

In October, as I continued to put cancer further behind me each week, I found myself struggling with a new mindset. From expectations set before me, I tried to enact a blanket “life is too short to…” mantra. But I realized that previously, I had been taking these phrases too literally by romanticizing them. I found my mind restless as I tried to apply these common sayings.

While out on a run one fall day, I stopped on a bench around a Minneapolis lake and tried to capture the cycle my thoughts were stuck in.

You look up and see the sky as never before

Your desires are renewed as you reach for the beauty and grab for the simple

But as you are in motion, you freeze

You find yourself torn as you long for the wishes of your past life

You believe they should be mute, but instead, you hear them speak loudly in the wind

Now your mind thinks they are small

Yet these longings made up who you were

You are left with unease as you try to balance

I was torn between my past desires and what I now wanted for my life. My mind believed it should plainly grasp these common expressions, but my mind would not let me. I realized there were a few reasons for this.

Often, these phrases start with "life is too short….” But the truth is, as I looked back on my time before this year, I saw a very full life. Full of tough things and full of great things. Upon reflection, I realized that I never thought things were too short. And as I look ahead to the life before me, no matter how much time may be in it, I don’t believe it will be too short. The time before and the time ahead of me is either full or empty.

And pairing that with the second part of these phrases, life is too short to “care about the little things,” “worry,” “etcetera,” overlook the things that make my life full or empty. I care about little things that I am passionate about and worry about things I am passionate about. Clearly these sayings are not there to tell you not to care about anything; despite this, I could not look past it.

As I was torn between wanting to live these out and being stuck in my past ways, I found a mantra I do fully believe in. That is:

“Always be honest with yourself, and always act on this honesty.”

This honesty lets me care about the little things and worry about the things that mean a lot to me. And this phrase lets me look past the things in my life that I don’t believe are worth my energy anymore. Put all together, this honesty and the actions behind it will allow me to always live a full life.