June

Giving up.

Earlier this year, I committed to a 2023 challenge year. The two challenges I set out to tackle were inevitable: beat cancer and give all of my love to Lila when she came into this world. And with the two challenges, I had no choice but to encounter them simultaneously. In June, I faced what I can only hope will be one of the most challenging periods of my life.

As I went through chemo, I felt worse with every infusion as the side effects of chemo compounded on themselves. When June came around, six months into my treatment with a six-week-old baby, I found myself in a very difficult spot. Lila, like all babies, loves rocking, swaying, and bouncing motions to be soothed. Unfortunately, these motions are one of the worst enemies of nausea. It is also no secret that babies don't really let you sleep too much. As a result, a lot of the extra rest I needed went away. Thankfully, my wife, Anna, went above and beyond what it meant to be a mother. She took on way more responsibility, sleepless nights, and effort to care for Lila. She gave her all to try and let me get the rest I needed.

As long as I was around, however, I felt compelled to do as much as my energy would allow me to help with Lila. In addition, I did everything I could around the house to try and alleviate as much as I could from Anna. Because of this, even when I was provided time to rest, my guard would not come down.

Then, a week before I was scheduled to receive my last round of chemo, Anna, Lila, and I all got sick. Given that I was immunocompromised, my illness was way worse than everyone else’s. I tried as much as I could to tough it out. Feeling sick, dealing with chemo side effects, and trying to help care for a baby proved to be too much for me. On my first Father’s Day, I confessed all this to Anna. We decided then it would be best for our situation if I went and stayed with family elsewhere for a couple of weeks to focus on recovering. At the same time, my mother-in-law would stay with Anna to help her with Lila.

As soon as the others agreed to help, I felt like I had just given up. Given up on the challenge to battle cancer and be the best dad I could be simultaneously. I failed my 2023 Challenge Year in the sense that I would not tackle these challenges at the same time as I said I would. I was embarrassed and felt as though I was a failure. But the truth was I was in the middle of learning one of the toughest lessons out there for myself: it is okay to give up.

By giving up, I was just going to focus on the challenge to eliminate cancer once and for all. I would then be able to focus solely on my second challenge for the year of being the best dad I could be. I believe I will always benefit from discipline, and this lesson may seem to contradict that. But on the contrary, this was the strictest form of discipline I could have enacted for myself. For better or for worse, ever since starting my service in the military, I have done everything in my power to never give up. In June, giving in to giving up was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

As I move forward, I want to always remember there will be times when it is okay to give up. Being stoic or disciplined has its place and may often come before this last resort, but being tough should never become a source of conflict for my well-being. This was a harsh lesson for me to learn, but it is essential for me to understand as I strive to be the best version of myself.