April
Becoming a father.
In April, I took on the most joyous challenge of my life that will never stop providing me with lessons: fatherhood. Now, I wish I could tell you a story about how my daughter’s birth was the happiest day of my life. I wish I could tell you a story about how, when I held her, all was at peace. I wish I could tell you this story because it sounds wonderful. But the truth is, this was not the story I lived. Rather than telling you about my experience on that day, I will tell you the story of what I observed in the months leading up to her birth and the months after.
I saw her beaming on a July summer's day as she waited to bring me the news.
I heard the joy in her voice as she told her friends and family.
I felt her walk on air as I held her hand.
As she saw the ultrasound I saw her glow.
As the months moved along I saw her stomach grow.
I heard her morning sickness.
I saw her in bed as all of her energy was given within.
I observed excitement.
Then one day I heard the sadness as I shared the news of my cancer.
I saw her tears as uncertainty took hold of her mind.
A few days later I was met with courage as the path ahead laid clear.
As I was ill she gave what she had left to help me through.
And in it all was someone who knew that she needed a change.
I saw her bravery as she pursued a new profession.
And I saw her triumphant in those efforts.
I observed strength.
Eventually I heard the aches as the time had come.
I heard the mix of eagerness and nerves as she talked to the doctors.
I felt her grip as she clutched my hand.
And then I saw her holding her child.
I saw her tears as she hugged the baby girl.
I observed the world in her arms.
In the months that followed I saw her as happy as she has ever been.
And as my treatments got tougher I felt her pull the weight that I could not.
I heard her footsteps in the night doing what I could not.
I saw her rocking a crying baby as my nausea was too great.
I observed a marvel of perseverance.
And then I saw it all catch up.
I heard the guilt in her voice as she called me from work.
I saw the pain on her face when the baby fell asleep.
I felt her tossing and turning at night as the stress piled up.
I observed her torn.
But during it all I saw her care for a child in wonderous fashion.
I heard her sooth cries with the voice of an angel.
I saw her smile at the little one with pure love.
I observed her give her absolute all.
If this is what I observed, then I can't even begin to imagine the highs and the lows that I did not see.
And if this is what I observed, I will never truly understand what she went through.
But there is one thing I know for certain.
For all the seen and unseen, what was there before me was a mother.