February

One day at a time.

What if I told you that my cancer was a blessing? Personally, this raises a lot of questions. How could the crummiest eight months of my life physically be a blessing? How could eight months of medical anxiety be a blessing? How could thousands of dollars in medical bills be a blessing? How could being out of a job I enjoyed for months be a blessing? How could not having the energy I needed to give my all to my baby be a blessing? The questions could go on and on because cancer took a lot away from me. So, how could my cancer be a blessing?

My cancer was a blessing because I choose it to be. I did not have a choice in going through what I did. But I get to decide how I view my journey when I look back. I will not deny or bury the hardships that came through it all, but rather, when I look back, I will focus on the lessons I learned.

The lessons I gained are not only mine to help me as I go forward in life, but they are mine to share. And like I said before, I will share my story with the hope that I can help someone else who might need to hear it. Now that I am ready, I will pick back up with my story below, sharing what I learned in February.

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From the initial call from a doctor telling me I had a large tumor in my chest, it took 11 days to receive an actual diagnosis. As I waited in anguish during that time, my biggest fear did not lay in what was to come. Instead, my fear rested solely on the potential of what may never be. For those 11 days, I claimed that I was not afraid to fight cancer but rather that I was scared not to be given a chance.

I am so fortunate and will be eternally grateful to the entire care team that did everything they could in those 11 days to ensure I was allowed the opportunity to fight. On the back of me saying that I was not afraid to fight cancer, as February came around, I wrote the following:

“I can't deny that I am now in the middle of the fight. These are the hard days, and nothing is coming to my rescue anymore. What a terrible way to spend six months.

As everything moves along as it should, I am reminded that this is not the time for trailblazing. Now is the time to hunker down and ride out the storm. On the other end of this treacherous weather, the clouds will clear to the most beautiful sky I will ever see.

In times of trial like this, feeling down can come effortlessly. Plenty of messages of encouragement and perseverance try to alleviate suffering. But these stories are for the books. What they do not capture is the hope that is needed day after day until the entire story can be told.

What I need is not what is to come but rather what is available today. So, I will put aside the "what if" and focus on the "what is." Day by day, step by step, that is how I will prevail. There will always be a story of hope, but that takes time. Let me build on those blocks to bring what I need now.”

This writing stemmed from my attempt to look ahead to better days to come. As I mentioned in my January post, my days were filled with not only physical but also the mental impacts of going through treatment. And only being two months in and far from over with my care plan, I found it too difficult to try and look months ahead when all would be well.

So, instead, I found myself going one day at a time. Every day, I longed for the sunset. For I knew that meant I was that much closer to a new day. A new day, which hopefully meant less pain, less nausea, and less anxiety.

In theory, I should have been able to leave things with that last paragraph with the simple lesson that things will be better in due time. But as I sincerely hoped for the next day, my mind became torn. This journey, especially in those first 11 days of uncertainty, reminded me that my time here on earth is precious. Yet here I was, wishing for days to go away.

Knowing I had a long way to go, I sought a solution to this predicament. The answer I found is the lesson herein. That is, every day, no matter how terrible, there is always something that I can find happiness in.

So, in February, I started to take a daily note. That note was one thing I found happiness in each day. No matter how much pain or anxiety I was facing, I made sure that before I went to bed, I reminded myself of the joys this world offers.

• Catching up with a friend

• Frozen lakes in the winter

• Ice cream

• Excel

• My dog Arya

• Adam Sandler movies

• Neighborhood hardware stores

• Sunshine

The things above are just a few entries from the list I kept. No matter how small it may have been, through this list, I could look back and see a day that I found joy in. While at the same time, I could look ahead to a new day that I knew would be filled with at least one thing that would bring me happiness. This allowed me to hope for a tomorrow while not feeling bad about wishing away time.

Although I stopped writing down a list after a while, I still used this practice throughout my treatment on my toughest days. And as I move forward, I will always rest assured that no matter how difficult or painful a situation or day might be, there is always something in which I can find happiness in.

It is this same mindset that lets me look back on having cancer and see for myself that it was a blessing.